Week 8 NBA Rankings

1. Boston Celtics (22-3) (1) It's Christmas time and everyone deserves a gift. I'll start out by giving Kendrick Perkins a custom-made flat frame bed, not the foldout kind that's liable to injure your feet.
2. Detroit Pistons (20-7) (3) For Rasheed Wallace, a stress ball shaped like Tom Donaghy's head. Now you can squeeze it any time a call doesn't go your way, thus saving you money so you can get that gray spot taken care of. Just make sure David Stern doesn't catch on, he might fine you.
3. San Antonio Spurs (19-7) (2) For Bruce Bowen, new shoes with an improved arch support that allows you to bounce right back off the floor into a defensive stance after flopping.
4. Dallas Mavericks (19-9) (5) For Dirk Nowitzki, a non-refundable plane ticket back to Germany in mid-May, about the time his team gets eliminated from the playoffs.
5. Los Angeles Lakers (18-10) (7) For Phil Jackson, a flapping dickey to go with that bright red bowtie he was sporting on Christmas.
6. Phoenix Suns (19-9) (4) For Steve Nash, a Sampsonite Briefcase for him to take with him on road trips in case he wants to go into full Lloyd Christmas mode.
7. New Orleans Hornets (17-10) (8) For Chris Paul, some tweezers to clean and maintain that unibrow of his.
8. Orlando Magic (18-11) (6) For Rashard Lewis, an entire Bowlflex set so he can bulk up to play in the paint more.
9. Portland Trail Blazers (16-12) (13) For Greg Oden, a knee brace to help him rehab for next year, when Portland emerges as a true title contender.
10. Denver Nuggets (16-11) (10) For Allen Iverson, a Jason Kidd jersey he can sport in press conferences to lure the disgruntled PG out of New Jersey.
11. Golden State Warriors (16-12) (11) For Stephen Jackson, an extra compartment to hide the gun in case he decides to go P Diddy in the club again.
12. Atlanta Hawks (14-12) (17) For any Hawks' player under 21 (that'd be over half the roster, right?) another XBox 360 for those long, clubless nights on road trips.
13. Indiana Pacers (15-13) (16) For Troy Murphy, one-on-0ne sessions with Tony Robbins to resurrect his game and his confidence.
14. Utah Jazz (15-14) (14) For Andrei Kirilenko, a prostitute from Russia so he can get the most out of his one-free nookie a year pass.
15. Toronto Raptors (15-14) (9) For Sam Mitchell, a translator in case some of his international players can't understand him in practice and game situations.
16. Washington Wizards (13-13) (12) For Deshawn Stevenson, a beard-trimmer in case he finally realizes he can't compete with Drew Gooden.
17. Cleveland Cavaliers (13-16) (19) For Anderson Varejao, a gig on the Simpsons as Sideshow Bob's long lost twin brother.
18. Houston Rockets (13-15) (15) For Tracy McGrady, some pimpin' new suits to wear on the sidelines in case he misses another 30 games with his usual assortment of injuries.
19. Sacramento Kings (11-15) (18) For Brad Miller, some Sean John pants and a Fubu jacket with a gold chain.
20. New Jersey Nets (12-15) (22) For Jason Kidd, a giant UHaul moving van for whenever the team decides to trade him.
21. Milwaukee Bucks (11-15) (23) For Yi Jianlan, a new agent that will keep LA, Golden St, Miami, New York and Chicago out of the inevitable no-trade clause his second contract will have.
22. Charlotte Bobcats (10-15) (25) For Sean May, a book on the South Beach diet so he can stay in shape while he rehabs his knee.
23. Philadelphia 76ers (11-16) (20) For Reggie Evans, some Latex gloves in case he gets a hankerin' for some groping during a game.
24. Chicago Bulls (9-16) (21) For John Paxson, a fathead poster of LaMarcus Aldrige the next time someone asks him why he couldn't get one good post player with three lotto picks and a ton of cap space.
25. Los Angeles Clippers (9-17) (24) For Mike Dunlevy, five extra roster spots in case the injuries keep piling up.
26. Miami Heat (8-20) (26) For Pat Riley, a year's supply of mousse so he can still look good even as his team continues to struggle.
27. Seattle Supersonics (8-20) (28) For Kevin Durant, a giant wrist band in case he develops arthritis from shooting too much.
28. Memphis Grizzlies (8-19) (27) For Mike Miller, a WNBA jersey the team should force him to wear until he loses that affemanine haircut.
29. New York Knicks (8-19) (29) For Eddy Curry, a giant glazed basketball so he actually tries to rebound.
30. Minnesota Timberwolves (4-22) (30) For Kevin McHale, the giant pinkslip that Knick fans keep trying to give Isiah since he's completely sabotaged his franchise.